Shameful Success!

As we all know, trying to find affordable mental health care is a challenge.  Try doing that without health insurance and it's damn near impossible. Luckily, I remembered to bring back my golden horse shoe with me from Asia so that when I came across the fabulous  Anxiety and Stress Disorders Institute (ASDI), I discovered that they had a program that would allow me to meet with an internist on a sliding fee scale---yay! 

I've been looking forward to my appointment since the day I scheduled it and they sent me some forms to print and bring with me.  I woke up today with plans to print the forms at the library, calmly complete them, and then leisurely drive down the road 5 minutes to the office.  My appointment was at 10:30 so I made it to the library at 9:30 which gave me plenty of time to fulfill this plan. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans for me.

Turns out the darn library doesn't open until 10 am.  I still thought I had everything in control at that point.  Decided to get gas and pick up a few things at CVS until 10 am at which point I would quickly print the forms, make it to the office with 15 minutes to spare and time to complete them.  I even had my GPS all preset to go so that I could head over straight away.  Unfortunately, as I was printing the forms, I happened to glance at the address at the top and saw TOWSON...CRAP! Turns out the campus was a different one that I thought and Towson is about a 30 minute drive, without traffic.   By this point it was already 10:10 so there was no way I could make it in time.  

Naively, I still thought I could somehow reverse time en route and make it there in time.  I don't have a cell phone (no, I don't live under a rock, just lived in Asia for the past 10 months and haven't gotten around to getting a US one yet) so I couldn't call to say I would arrive late, and I hate being late. It makes me very anxious...kind of ironic since I was on my way to learn how to treat anxiety.  Good times.

So, long story longer, my GPS got me to just about where I needed to be and then proclaimed the dreaded "You have reached your destination" as I sat on a roundabout on a dead-end residential street.  Perfect.  At this point, I was really wishing I had actually read the directions they sent me in the email. Whoops!

By the time I found my way into the appointment, I was 15 minutes late and quite worked up about it.  I ran into the office, apologizing profusely, spattering off at a mile a minute the story of what happened while the Dr. and intern stared at me like I was crazy.  Not a good feeling ever, but especially coming from people who make a living recognizing and treating crazy.

Of course, the first thing they asked was for the forms...which I had not completed.  This was not the kind of impression I wanted to give on a first meeting! Fortunately for me, the Dr.'s dog, Lucky (how appropriate!) was there and decided he liked me which I think convinced them to forgive me and give me a shot.

I've just realized that this entry is really long and hasn't even reached the point yet...so I'll get to it.  Point is: I LOVED their approach and feel really positive about working with them! I knew we would work well together when they said, "We do things differently and we won't teach you to relax." THANK YOU! Telling someone with panic attacks to "just relax" is like asking...(insert good analogy that I can't think of).  Basically, it's really stupid and quite aggravating to the person experiencing the panic.

Anywho, so we were finally heading down a good path and then they asked me to help them complete the "Panic Attack Cycle" with them on the white board.  Seemed simple enough to me too, until I started.  They asked me to think about what happens when I start to have a panic attack.  The problem was, I REALLY did that.  I really started thinking about what it's like, which in turn made me start to have a panic attack! UGH! That's what makes this disorder such a jackass because you know intellectually it makes no sense but the damn bugger just sneaks up on you anyway.

I ended up feeling ridiculous and embarrassed that that happened to me but turns out it was a positive thing because we were able to apply approaches to a real-life situation right away! So, it was a shameful success, but a success nonetheless and a great start to a new journey!