I recently stumbled upon a blog post from a very wise woman named Sharon. I found several of her posts interesting and may share a few, but this one in particular stood out at me. So often, I think we don't know how to handle feelings that make us uncomfortable, both within ourselves and in others. Because we don't know how to handle the uncomfortableness, we often gloss over true emotion and brush it away like it's something to be ashamed of, instead of experiencing the true depth of our feelings and learning from them.
I'm at a particularly interesting point in my life that can come at a cost. While I love the opportunities that single-hood has afforded me, it's not really where I would choose to be right now. It just is the way it is (for now and not much longer, I hope). Nonetheless, being as I'm no longer a spring-chicken in my 20s, it can be particularly isolating since most of the people my age are either married, have kids, or both. The other single people tend to be in their early 20s. While I love all of my friends deeply, I can't help but feel "left out" many times. I can't share in their stories of late-night feedings or diaper disasters. I can't join in on playdates or double-dates with husbands. I can't even share all the FB posts on all things baby. And I certainly can't (and don't want to ) share with the 20-year-olds in bar-hopping and "one-night-standing it."
It can be really tough and isolating. And, while I know you mean well with comments like, "Don't worry, just find happiness elsewhere" and, "I'd kill to be in your shoes for a day," they actually make me feel worse. As if you're viewing my situation as trivial and just being "dramatic" for having these feelings. Feelings are real.
It's tough when your friends have busy lives and don't have time to stay in touch as much as I would like. I get it. I really do. But, please know that the single-hood grass isn't always greener either and I could still use my friends' love from time to time since it's all I got some times. A phone call/email/skype can take a minute out of your day and leave us BOTH smiling lots! :)
Anyway, the point of this post was not to sound sad and depressing (as I'm now realizing it kind of does), rather to share this blog post that I stumbled upon the other day about how to NOT help someone after a breakup (something you can be grateful for you probably won't experience again, but remember how much it sucked??? I still have to go through those....) That's what lead to this whole post. Here it is:
"If you’ve never been through a breakup, you would probably be shocked at just how devastating they can be. Not all breakups are equally heartbreaking, but when a serious relationship ends–especially one that was either long-term or headed toward marriage–it can shatter you.
In many ways, a painful breakup is like a death. When a relationship ends, one witnesses the demise of a dream and a hoped for future. Simultaneously, everything changes: the most significant person in your life is now gone, and your plans are completely upended. For some, the upheaval launches them into a season of depression, self-doubt, and deep-seated grief.
However, breakups don’t always receive the same attention and community care that other losses do. Granted, the loss of a breakup is qualitatively different from other losses, but the grief is still very real. Clichés and simplistic encouragements are no more comforting after a breakup than they are after any other deep loss.
On the heels of a breakup, my anguish was sometimes made worse by thoughtless or insensitive comments from friends. Which is why, looking back on it, I would offer the following advice to those of you who know someone going through a breakup:
1. Don’t rush the healing process–Although there comes a point after every breakup when it is time to move on, don’t rush the process. I never felt more isolated and alone than when my friends didn’t let me grieve. They wanted me to accept God’s plans and timing and get on with it. As a result, I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my feelings, which compounded my pain all the more.
2. Don’t pick sides–The friends of a broken-up couple should never be asked or expected to choose sides. Picking sides is unfair, it causes division, and the “picking” itself can be horribly misguided–unless you witnessed wrong-doing firsthand, you can never know whose side of the story is really true.
Picking sides also adds heartache to an already broken individual. Speaking from personal experience, the only thing worse than losing my boyfriend was losing all my closest girl friends too. I remember feeling lonely to the point of despair. In retrospect, I think some of my friends confused “supporting” and “siding.” I didn’t need them to be on my side, but I sure did need their support.
3. Don’t give easy answers–Breakups raise a lot of questions about ourselves, our futures, and even God. It takes time to work through those questions, and unfortunately cliché answers usually don’t help. It doesn’t help to hear, “You’ll meet someone better!” when you can’t even begin to think about dating again, or the only person you want to be with is your ex. And it doesn’t help to be told, “It just wasn’t God’s will” when you were SO SURE it was.
If you have a friend going through a breakup, treat them the way you would any grieving loved one: Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Make space for them to mourn. Call them. Sit with them. Check on them. Pray for them. Breakups are awful and hard, but having a caring community surround you in the process can make it just a little easier.
And if you are going through a breakup right now, my dear one, take heart! The pain you feel is real and serious, so don’t ever think you are weird or pathetic or weak for the depth of your sorrow. Know that you are not alone–so many of us have been there, or are there right now. But also know that it doesn’t feel like this forever. Little by little the pain will fade until, one day, amazingly, it will be gone."
Original Source: http://sheworships.com/2013/04/29/how-not-to-help-someone-after-a-breakup/
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