I did it! I made it on the flight to Denver without a major panic attack, and without the help of medicine! This was no small accomplishment and I am not ashamed to admit that I am quite proud of myself!
The morning of the flight, I was feeling pretty good about things, but as I was in the car ride to the airport, I could feel my anxiety rising. I strongly considered taking medicine right then so as to avoid all the turmoil. My family and friends advised me to do so; after all, why did I want to torture myself when I had medication to help? As much as I knew this was true, I knew that my desire to accomplish a flight without medication, or at least try, meant more to me in my road to recovery.
The night before, I didn't sleep much. Not so much worried about the flight, rather concerned that I wouldn't wake up in time. This tends to happen to me before major (early morning) events and I truly believe it's my body's way of protecting me from the anxiety. I know everyone is different, and some people get increased anxiety when tired. But, for me, I tend to have the opposite reaction. I tend to become more calm and zen-like, as if my body has no "fight" left for the "fight or flight" battle of panic and I can handle situations more relaxed. (Of course, this doesn't always happen, but sometimes, yes).
Lucky for me, the flight fell into this "sometimes" category. By the time I arrived at the airport, I kept my focus on everything around me so that I wouldn't get caught up in my thoughts. Every step brought me one step closer to my goal. Yet, panic wasn't going out without a fight so those same accomplishments were met each time by another thought of terror. "If I make it through security okay, I"ll be fine." CHECK. "But wait, security wasn't really the hard part, now you still have to walk down the tarmac and actually get ON the plane." CHECK. "Well, you made it to the plane now, but remember, if you don't take the medicine now, you will be screwed mid-air." CHECK. "Sure, you're seated calmly now, but what about when the captain announces to secure the cabin and you know there's no turning back now. You can no longer run off the plane." CHECK.
I kept anticipating that each of these steps would be the trigger to cause a panic attack. And yet I kept beating them down to be okay! My resilience was really tested throughout the flight. Starting with the takeoff. I thought for sure that takeoff would be the main trigger since it REALLY meant, I wouldn't get off the plane. I kept wishing for it to just be over with already....and it just wouldn't come. We were stuck on the runway for a good 35 minutes before take off. While my mind immediately wanted to freak out over this set back, I managed to turn it into a positive and be grateful for the opportunity to really test my new coping skills and challenge myself. Thank goodness I passed that challenge!
The things that really got me through it were:
1. Distancing myself from the thoughts as soon as they entered my head: "Okay, your heart is beating
fast right now, but that's okay."
2. Reminding myself that I had to "get back on the saddle" and there was no better time than the present because I need to be able to fly in my life
3. Knowing that I had medicine and a flight plan to refer to if needed.
4. Picturing these 2 goobers faces for my prize on the other end. I mean, really, who could resist that as incentive?!
The rest of the flight was a breeze. I happened to spot a former soccer-teammate on the flight which I took as a good sign and was able to watch movies and distract myself for the almost 4 hour flight. Plus, I decided to sit in the aisle instead of my usual window seat. I know it sounds odd that I've always chosen window seats since I'm claustrophobic, but for some reason, being able to look outside and avoid seeing the rest of the plane always helped me (plus, I like to lean my head on the window to sleep). I debated over this in my head since I was flying Southwest and got to choose my seat. My therapist advised trying to do everything as normal (pre-panic attacks normal). And, if I'm being honest, I thought the window seat might actually be good to MAKE me stay in my seat if I did decide to freak out. It would be harder for me to run screaming down the aisles if I had to get past 2 other people to do so. But, in the end, I chose the aisle and can't believe I never have before!
You've met me and my tiny bladder, right?! What have I been thinking all this time in the window seat where I cause myself more anxiety stressing over how many times I will have to go to the bathroom and either disrupt people or become a contortionist to climb over them without waking them. Sitting in the aisle was like heaven. I could get up as many times as I wanted--for this 4 hour flight, that was 6 times...yup, 6! I know, I'm awesome company on road trips.
Of course, just because I made it through the air portion of the flight, didn't mean panic couldn't still mess with me. Upon landing, it was raining and we had to sit another 30 minutes on the runway waiting for a gate. I was bursting to get out of my seat....but only from my tiny bladder this time, not panic! I eventually had to press the attendant button and ask permission to go tot he bathroom
'cuz I couldn't stand it any longer (Joe can vouch for this) :)
When I told the story to my sis (about the entire flight, not just the excessive bathroom usage part), she asked me if I thought it was better to have been alone and I told her that I had wondered the same thing. Although I know every situation is different and sometimes it helps to have someone with me, I think in this case, it was a battle I needed to face on my own. I wonder if someone being there would have given me permission to crumble. Since I was alone, I had to do it solo (or sola since I speak Spanish and use correct grammar) : )
So, I'm happy I made it okay, happy I'm in Colorado, and just plane happy (pun intended, I do know the correct spelling there)! : ) : )
PS--I forgot to mention that I actually asked the flight attendant mid-flight if they were trained in dealing with people having panic attacks, "hypothetically speaking" of course : )
The morning of the flight, I was feeling pretty good about things, but as I was in the car ride to the airport, I could feel my anxiety rising. I strongly considered taking medicine right then so as to avoid all the turmoil. My family and friends advised me to do so; after all, why did I want to torture myself when I had medication to help? As much as I knew this was true, I knew that my desire to accomplish a flight without medication, or at least try, meant more to me in my road to recovery.
The night before, I didn't sleep much. Not so much worried about the flight, rather concerned that I wouldn't wake up in time. This tends to happen to me before major (early morning) events and I truly believe it's my body's way of protecting me from the anxiety. I know everyone is different, and some people get increased anxiety when tired. But, for me, I tend to have the opposite reaction. I tend to become more calm and zen-like, as if my body has no "fight" left for the "fight or flight" battle of panic and I can handle situations more relaxed. (Of course, this doesn't always happen, but sometimes, yes).
Lucky for me, the flight fell into this "sometimes" category. By the time I arrived at the airport, I kept my focus on everything around me so that I wouldn't get caught up in my thoughts. Every step brought me one step closer to my goal. Yet, panic wasn't going out without a fight so those same accomplishments were met each time by another thought of terror. "If I make it through security okay, I"ll be fine." CHECK. "But wait, security wasn't really the hard part, now you still have to walk down the tarmac and actually get ON the plane." CHECK. "Well, you made it to the plane now, but remember, if you don't take the medicine now, you will be screwed mid-air." CHECK. "Sure, you're seated calmly now, but what about when the captain announces to secure the cabin and you know there's no turning back now. You can no longer run off the plane." CHECK.
I kept anticipating that each of these steps would be the trigger to cause a panic attack. And yet I kept beating them down to be okay! My resilience was really tested throughout the flight. Starting with the takeoff. I thought for sure that takeoff would be the main trigger since it REALLY meant, I wouldn't get off the plane. I kept wishing for it to just be over with already....and it just wouldn't come. We were stuck on the runway for a good 35 minutes before take off. While my mind immediately wanted to freak out over this set back, I managed to turn it into a positive and be grateful for the opportunity to really test my new coping skills and challenge myself. Thank goodness I passed that challenge!
The things that really got me through it were:
1. Distancing myself from the thoughts as soon as they entered my head: "Okay, your heart is beating
fast right now, but that's okay."
2. Reminding myself that I had to "get back on the saddle" and there was no better time than the present because I need to be able to fly in my life
3. Knowing that I had medicine and a flight plan to refer to if needed.
4. Picturing these 2 goobers faces for my prize on the other end. I mean, really, who could resist that as incentive?!
The rest of the flight was a breeze. I happened to spot a former soccer-teammate on the flight which I took as a good sign and was able to watch movies and distract myself for the almost 4 hour flight. Plus, I decided to sit in the aisle instead of my usual window seat. I know it sounds odd that I've always chosen window seats since I'm claustrophobic, but for some reason, being able to look outside and avoid seeing the rest of the plane always helped me (plus, I like to lean my head on the window to sleep). I debated over this in my head since I was flying Southwest and got to choose my seat. My therapist advised trying to do everything as normal (pre-panic attacks normal). And, if I'm being honest, I thought the window seat might actually be good to MAKE me stay in my seat if I did decide to freak out. It would be harder for me to run screaming down the aisles if I had to get past 2 other people to do so. But, in the end, I chose the aisle and can't believe I never have before!
You've met me and my tiny bladder, right?! What have I been thinking all this time in the window seat where I cause myself more anxiety stressing over how many times I will have to go to the bathroom and either disrupt people or become a contortionist to climb over them without waking them. Sitting in the aisle was like heaven. I could get up as many times as I wanted--for this 4 hour flight, that was 6 times...yup, 6! I know, I'm awesome company on road trips.
Of course, just because I made it through the air portion of the flight, didn't mean panic couldn't still mess with me. Upon landing, it was raining and we had to sit another 30 minutes on the runway waiting for a gate. I was bursting to get out of my seat....but only from my tiny bladder this time, not panic! I eventually had to press the attendant button and ask permission to go tot he bathroom
'cuz I couldn't stand it any longer (Joe can vouch for this) :)
When I told the story to my sis (about the entire flight, not just the excessive bathroom usage part), she asked me if I thought it was better to have been alone and I told her that I had wondered the same thing. Although I know every situation is different and sometimes it helps to have someone with me, I think in this case, it was a battle I needed to face on my own. I wonder if someone being there would have given me permission to crumble. Since I was alone, I had to do it solo (or sola since I speak Spanish and use correct grammar) : )
So, I'm happy I made it okay, happy I'm in Colorado, and just plane happy (pun intended, I do know the correct spelling there)! : ) : )
PS--I forgot to mention that I actually asked the flight attendant mid-flight if they were trained in dealing with people having panic attacks, "hypothetically speaking" of course : )
so proud of u dani! way to conquer your fear! keep it up. big hugs, phuong
ReplyDeleteThanks, Phuong! Miss you!!!
ReplyDelete