Living with Anxiety in a Foreign Country

I'm happy to report that I haven’t had a full-blown panic attack since around June and my anxiety has been under control for months now as well!  It’s been nice not to think about it.  Why worry about something if it’s not happening? The trouble with this mentality is that, like with anything in life, it’s easy to forget the (coping) skills I did learn if I’m not practicing them.  So now, if/when an attack comes on, I might not remember how to handle it.  It’s difficult at times to find the balance between remembering just enough how scary it is that I want to practice my skills, and not worrying too much that I create more anxiety.

One of the strategies that is great for anxiety, and most other things in life, is to have outlets for stress.  For me, the things that help me are running and working out, talking with friends, eating right (and without gluten) and living a healthy lifestyle, reading about different strategies and meeting with my therapist, blogging, and spending time with loved ones.   Before coming to Guatemala, I was worried that my anxiety would burst through the roof.  Not only was I moving to a foreign land, away from family and friends, but I was also closing the door on almost all of my stress-relieving strategies.  I had lived through a similar situation in Paraguay and it was quite a challenge.  There, I could not run because every other house had an attack dog that would run after you, ready to kill, I couldn’t eat properly because I was so remote that my meals consisted primarily on what I grew myself and thus were not always balanced (since things don’t sprout at the same time) and I was literally poisoning my body every time I ate pasta (one of the few items I could buy in town---this was before I discovered my intolerance but explains a lot of my illness while there).  Obviously, I was far from family and friends, and it was tough at times.  I had to discover a whole new way of dealing with stress. 

As I prepared to come to Guatemala, I feared that the stresses might be too much.  While I usually welcome the challenges and adventure that come with situations like these as growing opportunities, I worried that it was all too soon.  I had JUST returned home to loved ones after a year away, JUST started working on skills with a therapist to overcome anxiety, JUST started blogging, JUST become able to fly on a plane again, JUST started just about everything on my way to recovery!  Worst of all, the memory of my panic attack on my Indonesia flight and the feeling of being so completely isolated and far away from home when my panic attacks began in Singapore were still very new and raw.  What if I got to Guatemala and immediately felt trapped, like I couldn’t get away and to help? Josh had even warned me that some people feel that way in this small bubble of a town, where landslides and poor road conditions often lead to you literally being trapped in town. 

But, I’m ecstatic to report that all of those were just that…..fears! And, as my therapist, Elise, taught me, fears are just thoughts and you don’t have to be controlled by them.  My desire to live the life I want, where I want, in the way I want (aka overseas) is stronger than the power that fears TRY to have over me.  So, thanks for the thoughts, fears, you can float on your way ‘cause there’s no room for you here…I’m too busy living and loving life!

Luckily, I’ve been able to adjust my thinking on things and find new ways of dealing with stress.  I’m fortunate to live less remotely than Paraguay and can buy food and remain well-nourished and gluten-free.  While I can’t go to the gym or go for long runs, I can play soccer, work out to clips on my computer, and run with my new dog, Loki (not to mention get unconditional love from the little bugger).  While I can’t be with my friends and family, I can splurge and buy internet so that I can stay connected with them and I can make new friends here.  Internet also allows me to “meet” with Elise on Skype, write my blog, and read up on new strategies.  And, maybe the most important stress-relieving strategy of all that the internet has afforded me is staying connected to my guilty-pleasure shows from home like Modern Family and Parks and Rec.  I love you Leslie Nope! :)

My Little Loki-Love!

Now, it hasn’t all been easy, and I have felt anxiety from time to time.  Like the first time I had to take a boat trip to Pana.  Or the other day when I was riding the boat over to San Pedro, with Savannah, and the boat died in the middle of the lake.  I’m not talking some big, safe-feeling boat, but a tiny, easily-sinkable dingy over-packed with cargo and people (who can’t swim and would take me down in a second).  It didn’t help matters that I had just learned a few days prior that the lake is actually on top of a volcano, which means it’s THOUSANDS of feet deep.  Combine this with my witnessing a drowning in my last days in Ohio and experiencing panic attacks while swimming in triathlons (also in Ohio) and I started to panic.  Savannah was a good sport and distracted me with conversation until the boat started up again and we made it safely to shore.  There’s not much I can do to avoid situations like this.  It doesn’t matter whether I’m here and in the middle of a lake, at home and driving over a bridge, or sitting in my own bed, relaxing.  Anxiety can strike anywhere, at anytime, and is unavoidable, so it’s best to just learn to live with it!