A Whopping Order of Anxiety, Please

The past few weeks have been crazy busy and stressful.  While it's been mostly for good reasons (prepping for this European holiday trip, followed by a move to Guatemala a few days afterwards), it's nonetheless caused my anxiety to rear its lovely head again.  My symptoms typically include a rapid heartbeat and the sensation that I can't get enough air when I breathe in (good times).  This time, however, it's decided to manifest in my stomach.  While also not fun, I'll take an upset stomach any day over hyperventilating into a full-blown panic attack.

Although my flights to the west coast were successful, I found myself wrought with anxiety as the days approached this long flight to London.  At one point, my anxiety was so bad, I seriously considered canceling the trip.  Okay, maybe only for a mili-second, but the fear was real.  I tried rationalizing with myself, "You have flown a million times, what's the big deal?" "You made it 5 hours to Cali so what's an extra 2 to London?" "You're flying at night so you can just sleep."  The problem with rationalizing with anxiety is that your brain is wired to always search for the one in a million chance that the ending will be different this time.  Luckily, my therapist is amazing and the day of my flight, she gave me a few pep talks and reminded me that the goal is NOT to NOT feel anxiety but to just deal with it when it appears--Welcome it in when it shows up. Say, "thanks head for making me aware of those things! Yes, I can feel my heart beating exceptionally fast, but that's okay because I know it will eventually end."

The idea of going on such a long trip also started stirring feelings in me that I had in Singapore, not necessarily connected to the flight, but more just a feeling of being so far away and “stuck.”  The panic attacks happened to me there and since I didn’t know what was happening at the time, I just felt so trapped and not able to get home.  The thought of this long trip was starting to make me remember those feelings.  Now that I’m here, I’m happy to report though, that this has not been the case.

As I've mentioned before, I personally try hard not to take medication--for any reason, including anxiety.  I think it's an individual decision that everyone must assess for himself or herself and I don't judge others, but for me, it's not my first choice. Yesterday, however, as I weighed the pros and cons, I was leaning towards taking something. Not only was I dealing with the anxiety of the flight and life stresses but also my sciatica decided to flare up again the day before.  This causes me to have a stabbing and excruciating pain radiating up and down the entire right side of my body and lower back.  The only relief is to lay flat on my back on the floor and even that isn't entirely pain-free, it's just a bit less. The pain is aggravated and at it’s worst when sitting.  So the 7-hour flight and I were not going to be best friends. I rationalized with myself that taking something for the anxiety would help both that and my back and that it didn't mean I would need something for every flight but that on this particular day, I needed some extra help. 

So, I packed my meds in my carry-on, as I always do just in case, and decided I would take one right before the flight.  As I sat in the airport, I felt fine so I thought I’d wait until I felt I needed it.  All was calm until we began to board the plane.  That’s when the anxiety kicked in and I almost grabbed a pill.  But, I decided to push through it and once at my seat, was fine.  And then, I hadn’t even sat down yet when the flight attendant offered me an empty 3-seat row so that I could lie down for my back.  Turned out to be a great flight in the end (except for the small aircraft with the world’s smallest overhead bins, crummy tiny tvs that wouldn’t turn, and the bad food, but I’ll take 3 seats over movies and food!)

In the airport in Baltimore, I had debated mentioning my back condition to the check-in counter because I wanted to have my luggage as carry on. I learned the hard way that the trick to this is to check in online and not to go to the counter to ask questions with your bag because then they will weigh them and/or make you check them. I managed to avoid it again this time by leaving my bags for a minute while I informed them of my back injury at the check-in counter.

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful as well.  Arrived in London at Heathrow airport and had to change airports for my next flight.  I had purchased my National Express bus ticket online for 1.5 hours after my arrival to allow me time through customs, but turned out “customs” was the easiest thing I’ve ever been through and I was at the bus stop in 10 minutes so I caught an earlier bus.  The EU passport side at customs was super long and the non-EU passport side had no one.  I literally walked right up and out.  Then, there was no form to fill out for customs, just an honor-system area to walk through where you picked your door “nothing to declare” or “declaring goods” (there was also a 3^rd door for EU peops) As far as I could see, there was no one working at any of the doors so I walked right through. I even turned around to walk back and make sure I hadn’t made a mistake since there was no control.  Just hoped I wouldn’t have problems at the next airport when they would tell me “um, miss, you have to go back to the other airport and get your stamp.”  Luckily, after an easy, comfortable 45-minute bus ride to the Gatwick airport, that didn’t happen. 

Gatwick was interesting.  The boarding gates are not posted until about 20 minutes before each flight so everyone waits in one giant departure waiting area around the shops and restaurants before dashing to their gate last minute.  It allows for great people-watching. 

I give mad kudos to London airports for their bathrooms—they are all GIANT stalls that allow your suitcase cart (which are free and also appreciated) inside no problem, and for the food options, of which included many gluten-free and healthy vegetarian options in supermarkets (I had a lovely 3-bean super food salad).  The flight from Gatwick to Amsterdam was a quick 1- hour flight.  Also not full and had an empty seat next to me.  Seats were extra big and leather and luxuriously nice as well.  Flight was over before I knew it and I was ready for my fun in Amsterdam to begin!