I'm a Triangle but I Want my Kids to be Stars

I'm preparing myself for a trip "home" to the USA after almost a year away (this time around). I've spent most of my adult life (and formative teenage years) living/spending significant chunks of time abroad.  While I'm grateful for each and every experience I've had, both at "home" and abroad, the inner processes I've been through because of them sometimes leave me feeling like I don't fit in anywhere.  

I don't ever feel like I fit in in the USA because it's hard to relate to those people who have not lived overseas.  This is especially tough when it's your own family and friends and you care about them and love them so much, yet find it really hard to relate to them at times.  And while I often feel more at home living overseas, I'm still never truly "one of them." I've had this discussion with several "travel friends/fellow ex-patriates" and it's something we seem to all relate to.  It's what can bond us together instantly and can keep boundaries up with people sometimes considered closest to us, if we know they just "won't get it." 

All of this can lead to a bit of a cultural identity crisis that's hard to explain. I recently read a blog post that put the process into simple terms and wanted to share it here. I think it's a nice follow up to my most recent post, "Unintentional Cultural Exchanges," as well. What do you think?

 **************************

I am a triangle and other thoughts on repatriation 

I’ve been talking an awful lot to people who know what it’s like to repatriate.  I’ve also been completely hiding that part of my life from people who don’t know what it’s like to repatriate.

It’s kind of like. Um. It’s similar to, huh. Maybe you could liken it to ….You know, I can’t think of a similar situation, experience.

It’s a secret that isn’t a secret.

It’s a piece of my life that I keep to myself unless I know the person I’m sharing it with will understand...What I’m about to share with you is one of the illustrations that were shared at a retreat she recently went to... De-Brief and Renewal Retreat by Missionary Training International for missionaries living overseas. The following is my adaptation (including my basic Sharpie drawings) of an illustration that was shared at that retreat...found it to be a helpful tool for me as I flailed my way through repatriation and the reality that we are forever changed from our experience of living abroad.

* * *

Imagine a place called Circle Country. Everyone who lives inside of its borders are Circle Citizens. The Circle Country has very specific culture, holidays, celebrations, food preferences, a language that is unique to them as well as music, education and political categories.

Let’s also talk about Square Society. Everyone who lives inside of its borders are Square Settlers. The Square Society also has the culture, holidays, celebrations, food preferences (and on and on) as the Circle Country, but they are completely different.

One day, a Circle Citizen got on a plane and flew to Square Society. That Circle landed squarely (pun intended) in the middle of the Square Settlers and their Square Culture.

Circle Citizen now lives in the midst of Square Settlers, and he or she may adapt to a degree, but will never become a truly Square Settler. At the same time, this Circle Citizen will also start to lose a bit of his/her Circle culture.

The normal circle things start to blend together with the new square culture. The major holidays in Circle Country might dissipate a bit to allow for the celebration of Square festivals.

Favorite comfort foods that remind her of Circle Country give way to the acceptance of new Square foods. The Circle culture never quite gives way to the new Square norms and at the same time doesn’t go away completely either.

He or she slowly — and seemingly unconsciously — evolves into something completely different. The transformation to a Triangle Tenant begins. Being a Triangle means you have some of your original Circle culture mixed with some of your newly adopted Square culture.

You are no longer 100% Circle, but you’ll never again be 100% Square. You are left — almost hanging — somewhere in the middle.

Now, imagine that after some time, this Triangle Tenant hops on yet another plane and returns to Circle Country. This Triangle doesn’t revert to the previous Circle status just because he has landed home. This Triangle remains forever a Triangle.

I will always be a Triangle.

As I find myself back in Circle Country, the good ole’ US of A, so far, I’ve found that I am mostly surrounded by Circles. Folks who haven’t ventured too far out of the Circle boundaries.

I still don’t quite know where I fit in. My “pointy parts” don’t blend in so well with the smooth edges of the circles. My time amongst squares leaves me with memories that will stay forever, yet there are pieces of that culture that I am thankful to not have as part of my own.

The description of the leading photo by Nathan Sawaya, The Art of the Brick

Interestingly enough, there is a fourth shape that enters this discussion. If a child (in their developmental years such as our two youngest were), follows his or her parents from Circle Country to Square Society, he or she will become — not a Triangle Tenant, like the adult parent, but a Star. They will be a Star with multiple points of reference when considering where they are from, what they believe in, what foods they like, and how they see the world.

They will always be Stars.

What do you think? Does this help to put into real terms what it’s like to enter and re-enter different cultures?

I’m happy to be a Triangle and all shapes are welcome at the playground, but it’s nice to have some solid ways to view the process of culture adaptation and what it does to a human being.

Original Source: https://medium.com/repatriation-after-the-shipment-is-unpacked/3b9fd76169f2

Non-intentional Cultural Exchanges

Anyone who knows me knows what a nut I am for intercultural exchanges. I've basically framed my entire life around it, from studying abroad when younger, living and working abroad most of my adult life, and researching it in both my undergrad and master's degrees.  I love learning about cultures and figuring out which parts of each new culture that I encounter I'd like to adapt to create my own unique way of interacting with the world. 

And while I enjoy a good book/movie/lecture on the topic, I sometimes forget that the smallest of exchanges are sometimes the most powerful.  I was pleasantly reminded of this as I went about my  seemingly ordinary errands over the past 24 hours. 

Last night, I ran into the local market to buy some chocolate and toilet paper (you know, the essentials to go with the wine back at home) on my way down to my soccer game.  As I went to pay, the friendly face behind the counter (we all know each other in this town, and I love that) asked me, "Amiga, what's your last name?" (He actually said the entire thing in Spanish but you get the point I'm making here).  I told him, to which he replied, and your other last name? I told him I only had one and that most people in the United States only have their father's last name.  He then asked, "But what happens to your mom's last name, then?" This then lead to an entire discussion about lineage dying out, cultural norms, etc.  and the ironic fact that while most Latino cultures are considered more "Machismo" than American culture, yet Latino culture preserves both the mother's and father's last names for children while traditional American culture loses the moms and only takes the dads.  Food for thought..... 


(only inteded as a minor joke, not to provoke a debate on machismo....)

Then, this morning, I made my way down to the soccer field to work out and train with Loki.  I probably enjoy the quiet and solitude of the field in the morning as much as I enjoy the workout.  So, upon spotting an entire class of school kids playing soccer as I approached, I hesitated and almost sought a new spot.  I decided to stick with it, and am glad I did.  As I began my workout, I looked out and noticed that all of the girls were sitting on the sidelines while the boys (and 2 male teachers) played.  I continued to work out when 4 of the little girls ran across the entire field to visit me.  This 4 quickly turned into 17, yes 17 girls and boys joining in on my workout (my dad always said I was like the pied piper or kids and dogs). 



I had them doing squat jumps, burpees, and "letter shapes with our bodies" (aka Yoga T poses--sorry, you can take the girl out of teaching but not the teacher out of the girl).  So, thanks to me, there is a new group of indigenous children trained in parts of Body Pump classes from the YMCA.  It was such a fun, impromptu morning and I loved every minute of it! Even better when I ran into one of the girls a few hours later in town and she shyly said, "We'll be on the field again tomorrow, will you?"  This just might be the motivation I need to get my butt down there in the mornings  :)

Gluten-Free "Bread Crumbs" and Eggplant

I went to cook dinner tonight and noticed my eggplant was starting to go bad so that decided for me what the menu would be. 

I've been reminiscing a lot about my life in Paraguay lately and remembered fondly my delicious meals of battered eggplant with fresh-picked limes.  Since the recipe calls for bread crumbs and I'm now gluten-free, I had to get creative.  I was too lazy to go to the store (and would not have had much luck in my town anyway) so I looked in the "pantry" (really, it's just a shelf of food in my tiny house) and let my imagination run.  I honed in on some flax seeds, sesame seeds, and almonds.  Tossed them all in the coffee grinder and voila, had some instant gluten-free "bread crumbs" for a perfectly battered eggplant dish!  I enjoyed it immensely and as I sprinkled on salt and fresh lime juice onto each bite, I fell deeper and deeper into my memories of Paraguay and my smile grew wider and wider and wider..... Che Rohayhu Che Paraguay!

Deberia decir "San Agustin" en vez de Caazapa pero entienden la idea : )

    

Gluten-Free Eggplant Recipe:

1. Slice eggplant
2. Dip eggplant into a beated egg (is that a word? nope, just looked it up. it's beaten. huh, learn something new everyday. who knows, maybe i already knew that. sometimes i forget english so it's hard to tell. )
3. Dip eggplant into "bread crumbs" (grind up sesame seeds, flax seeds, almonds in a coffee grinder or food processor or blender---you can use all 3 or any one of these)
4. Add spices to taste (suggestions: cumin, salt, pepper, basil, parsley)
5. Saute in olive oil until eggplant is tender and outsides are toasted
6.  Sprinkle with salt and lime juice (*I don't eat cheese but I imagine it would be good on top if you do)

Enjoy!

As always, I was too hungry to actually take a photo before I ate it, but it looked something like this, minus the cheese and sauce, and I cut mine into rounds, not slices. Doesn't matter though; whatever floats your boat.

Gluten-Free/Eggless Pancakes (and they actually taste good!)

I've been doing a lot of experimenting lately with healthy recipes and invented this gem of a pancacke the other day.  It's gluten-free, egg-free, and best part: actually delicious!

Plus, it's good protein and, if you add yogurt/whey, it becomes a probiotic too. Top it off with honey and cinnamon for natural anti-biotic and anti-inflammatory properties.

Ingredients:

*almond flour (grind up almonds in the coffee grinder)

*a mashed up banana

*flax seed millet (again, just grind up flax seeds in the coffee grinder)

*cinnamon 

*liquid of your choice--I don't do milk so I used a little bit of coconut milk and goat's yogurt but you  can use whatever you like. I imagine you could use an egg or whey here too.

Mix them all up until they are pancake consistency and cook just like a pancake.  Top it off with bananas, cinnamon, almonds, honey, etc.  and enjoy---YUM!

 Pictured: almond flour, coconut milk, goat's yogurt.

Sorry, I don't know how to rotate this one. It's easier for you to turn your head than for me to figure it out.

What NOT to Say to Someone After a Breakup

I recently stumbled upon a blog post from a very wise woman named Sharon.  I found several of her posts interesting and may share a few, but this one in particular stood out at me.  So often, I think we don't know how to handle feelings that make us uncomfortable, both within ourselves and in others.  Because we don't know how to handle the uncomfortableness, we often gloss over true emotion and brush it away like it's something to be ashamed of, instead of experiencing the true depth of our feelings and learning from them.

I'm at a particularly interesting point in my life that can come at a cost.  While I love the opportunities that single-hood has afforded me,  it's not really where I would choose to be right now.  It just is the way it is (for now and not much longer, I hope).  Nonetheless, being as I'm no longer a spring-chicken in my 20s, it can be particularly isolating since most of the people my age are either married, have kids, or both.  The other single people tend to be in their early 20s.  While I love all of my friends deeply, I can't help but feel "left out" many times. I can't share in their stories of late-night feedings or diaper disasters.  I can't join in on playdates or double-dates with husbands.  I can't even share all the FB posts on all things baby.  And I certainly can't (and don't want to ) share with the 20-year-olds in bar-hopping and "one-night-standing it." 

It can be really tough and isolating.  And, while I know you mean well with comments like, "Don't worry, just find happiness elsewhere" and, "I'd kill to be in your shoes for a day," they actually make me feel worse.  As if you're viewing my situation as trivial and just being "dramatic" for having these feelings.  Feelings are real.     

 

      

        

 

It's tough when your friends have busy lives and don't have time to stay in touch as much as I would like.  I get it.  I really do. But, please know that the single-hood grass isn't always greener either and I could still use my friends' love from time to time since it's all I got some times. A phone call/email/skype can take a minute out of your day and leave us BOTH smiling lots! :)

 

Anyway, the point of this post was not to sound sad and depressing (as I'm now realizing it kind of does), rather to share this blog post that I stumbled upon the other day about how to NOT help someone after a breakup (something you can be grateful for you probably won't experience again, but remember how much it sucked??? I still have to go through those....)  That's what lead to this whole post.  Here it is:

"If you’ve never been through a breakup, you would probably be shocked at just how devastating they can be. Not all breakups are equally heartbreaking, but when a serious relationship ends–especially one that was either long-term or headed toward marriage–it can shatter you.

In many ways, a painful breakup is like a death. When a relationship ends, one witnesses the demise of a dream and a hoped for future.  Simultaneously, everything changes: the most significant person in your life is now gone, and your plans are completely upended. For some, the upheaval launches them into a season of depression, self-doubt, and deep-seated grief.

However, breakups don’t always receive the same attention and community care that other losses do. Granted, the loss of a breakup is qualitatively different from other losses, but the grief is still very real. Clichés and simplistic encouragements are no more comforting after a breakup than they are after any other deep loss.

On the heels of a breakup, my anguish was sometimes made worse by thoughtless or insensitive comments from friends. Which is why, looking back on it, I would offer the following advice to those of you who know someone going through a breakup:

1. Don’t rush the healing process–Although there comes a point after every breakup when it is time to move on, don’t rush the process. I never felt more isolated and alone than when my friends didn’t let me grieve. They wanted me to accept God’s plans and timing and get on with it. As a result, I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my feelings, which compounded my pain all the more.

2. Don’t pick sides–The friends of a broken-up couple should never be asked or expected to choose sides. Picking sides is unfair, it causes division, and the “picking” itself can be horribly misguided–unless you witnessed wrong-doing firsthand, you can never know whose side of the story is really true.

Picking sides also adds heartache to an already broken individual. Speaking from personal experience, the only thing worse than losing my boyfriend was losing all my closest girl friends too. I remember feeling lonely to the point of despair. In retrospect, I think some of my friends confused “supporting” and “siding.” I didn’t need them to be on my side, but I sure did need their support.

3. Don’t give easy answers–Breakups raise a lot of questions about ourselves, our futures, and even God. It takes time to work through those questions, and unfortunately cliché answers usually don’t help. It doesn’t help to hear, “You’ll meet someone better!” when you can’t even begin to think about dating again, or the only person you want to be with is your ex. And it doesn’t help to be told, “It just wasn’t God’s will” when you were SO SURE it was.

If you have a friend going through a breakup, treat them the way you would any grieving loved one: Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Make space for them to mourn. Call them. Sit with them. Check on them. Pray for them. Breakups are awful and hard, but having a caring community surround you in the process can make it just a little easier.

And if you are going through a breakup right now, my dear one, take heart! The pain you feel is real and serious, so don’t ever think you are weird or pathetic or weak for the depth of your sorrow. Know that you are not alone–so many of us have been there, or are there right now. But also know that it doesn’t feel like this forever. Little by little the pain will fade until, one day, amazingly, it will be gone."

Original Source: http://sheworships.com/2013/04/29/how-not-to-help-someone-after-a-breakup/

DIY Mayo Hair Treatment

The water in Guatemala is really harsh.  It leaves my skin feeling really dry.  On top of that, the pressure in my shower is almost non-existent.  The combination of these leaves my hair feeling drier than I'm used to.  In my never-ending idea/project/diy/fill-my-day list, I decided to do a treatment for my hair.

In my research, I came across many DIY recipes using items from your kitchen.  In the end, I decided to go with a Mayo treatment.  I've done it twice. Once with just mayo, once with mayo and avocado and a bit of olive oil.  Both left my hair silky, smooth, straight, and a bit greasier than I would like.  This may or may not have to do with the fact that the instructions called for leaving it in the hair for 20 minutes and my ADD mind got side-tracked with so many other things that both times I kept it in for over an hour.  I also think I may have just rinsed it out and not washed it...can't remember.  It's okay though, since Guatemalan's love hair gel and I just looked like I had used half a jar in my hair and fit in well  : )

Anyway, it was really simple, really cheap, and really effective.  Here's the recipe should you be so inclined as to try it yourself.

1. Wet your hair

2. Rub mayo all over your hair as if it were shampoo (if you combine, mix the mayo, avo, and/or oil in a bowl first, then apply)

3. Place a shower cap on your head to seal in the heat (if you live in the middle of nowhere like me and don't have a shower cap, you can use a plastic bag and headband. I looked pretty hot like this and sure you will too)

4. Wait 20 minutes

5. WASH it out (not just rinse)

6. Smile for the cameras with your pretty new head of hair!

The Language of Love

Sometimes there just aren't words to describe certain feelings, especially when it comes to love.  Apparently, other cultures have come to our rescue with some words in their own languages. So the next time you're at a loss for words, try one of these. As a language nerd, I loved this article and had to share. Enjoy!

1. Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan, an indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego): The wordless yet meaningful look shared by two people who desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to start.
2. Yuanfen (Chinese): A relationship by fate or destiny. This is a complex concept. It draws on principles of predetermination in Chinese culture, which dictate relationships, encounters and affinities, mostly among lovers and friends.
3. Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese): The act of tenderly running your fingers through someone’s hair.
4. Retrouvailles (French):  The happiness of meeting again after a long time.
5. Ilunga (Bantu): A person who is willing to forgive abuse the first time; tolerate it the second time, but never a third time.
6. La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
7. Koi No Yokan (Japanese): The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall into love.
8. Ya’aburnee(Arabic): “You bury me.” It’s a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person, because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
9. Forelsket: (Norwegian):  The euphoria you experience when you’re first falling in love.
10. Saudade (Portuguese): The feeling of longing for someone that you love and is lost. Another linguist describes it as a “vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist.”

Original Post:
http://urbandud.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/10-beautiful-words-about-love-that-dont-exist-in-english/